Deck the halls with crazy and nonsense...

I came home, like I do year about this time. Most things stay the same, some things lose their mystery and sparkle, but usually just the same junk from year to year. As usual I got into a huge fight with my mom about something that meant nothing. Which led to her getting into a fight with my dad, about nothing. As I sat in my sisters room irritated, milling around for a disregarded peanut butter cup or hershey's kiss I listened to my parents argue, and I listend to my dad talk my mom down from the bridge. He knew exactly what to say to make her take resonsibility for her crazy and calm down all at once. He spoke to her in a way that showed he cared for her, but didn't want to deal with her crazy for no reason. Instead of being angry I found myself crying..and sad. I realized that as I wandered around my sisters room scavanging for chocolatey victory (to no avail) My mom had someone who was able to calm her down and talk it out with her. I want that. Someday I will get into a fight. Get furious and there will be a nice young man ready to talk me right back into his arms...someday.

and remember...

today they said, "we don't say enough, being depressed is normal."

the saga continues...

we'll it's all over now. I graduated from college and here i am preparing to embark on the next page of my life. i don't know where i'm going. i don't exactly know where i am suppose to be, but i think that this adventure might turn into a beautiful thing. i have interview and subbing lined up. and fingers crossed something pans out. as i get ready to start life as an adult i am beginning to realize that the term "adult" means a lot of things. i need to make sure that i am making adult decisions. however, i sometimes wonder what that means. does that mean that i make decisions that i have seen adults make, or do i make decisions that the adults i want to become make. i want to be successful and put together, but what kind of work does it take to get there. more honestly, what type of mistakes does it take to get there? i really hope that i will be able to straighten this out and figure out where i'm headed. the question it leaves me asking is can you live the life you want to live, or will you always fall into the place people have made for you?

The simplest equation

I believe that there is a simple equation that can be used to evaluate the potential success of a relationship.

Physical Appearance + Personality + Baggage= Potential Success

The baggage aspect is frequently where the largest problem occurs. Everyone has and brings baggage with them the question is always...is it worth it.

Mystery Date

I've been doing some serious "dating" in the last 2 months and they have all ended disastrously. Whether it was the date that started with a man with one of those cell phone clips (so sexy), a man who might as well have been one of my ex boyfriends twins, or the boy who was "sure I wanted a SERIOUS relationship" they have all ended with me saying "I'll call you" and running as quick as my stilettos can carry me. At this point in my life there are only a couple of things that I am serious about. I seriously want a beautiful apartment, a meaningful job, and a group of friends who are more fun than anything else. To me serious means involved to the point of becoming a unit and that is not what I am looking for. I just want someone to have fun with me right now. I want someone who is a long for the ride and making the journey, but do I want to "go to Christmas", "have couple dates" and "check in" with someone right now? NO!

One of the respectable (but not so bright) men asked me what I was looking for? I gave him a filler answer (it's not you it's me...), but this is what I'm actually looking for: a life full of memories that make me laugh, I want to look at my time in KC and have stories that make me laugh until I cry. A reputation that proceeds me. A job that gives me meaning and purpose everyday and when it's not giving me purpose I want to figure it out, on my own without some lost soul of a man trying to guide me. I think that there are a large amount of people who are ready to settle. I am not. I really want to be happy forever. Not just happy for a couple of months and one big day. As I sat and listened to one of my closest friends, who got married just 6 months ago, explain her marriage without love, the feeling of being trapped and not being able to find her way out, I realized that this is my greatest fear.Don't get me wrongI love the idea of having a family, settling down, and giving a man and my children everything they could ask for, but I am not so focused on that that I am willing to throw away my on going happiness. Despite my impulse to be happy and settle down more than anything I want to be happy in the long run.

And after all of that I have come to the realization that despite the "loneliness" that comes with being single in the city, I would trade being single for being in a "love less marriage" and "the feeling of being trapped" any day.

coming into focus

for some reason I keep finding myself in a series of akward events. i beat myself up over and over again and down play my strengths. i don't give myself credit for what i have going for me. it takes time to get where you want to be, but i've become her. it took time, but i'm who i wanted to be and finally the kinds of people that I have always wanted to be drawn to me are starting. i still atract the same odd characters as before, but at least now sometimes the characters aren't as scary. i am going to say something that is very confusing. but i want to do this whole single thing. i have to do this whole single thing. i need to stop feeling unwanted. there will be someone who wants me, eventually, but it is better to be single until the proper situation arises instead of being with someone and finding my self drowning in something i don't actally want. i've seen several tiny glimpses into what is avaliable if i wait. i really want to be happy and start my life right now, but that is not really an options. so i'll wait until the right time. really i'm not even waiting. i'm living and i'm making memories and i'm gathering my life and putting all of the pieces in place and when the time comes and the right man finds me it will work and it will be everything it is suppose to be. until then i will keep living and keep doing what i'm doing and the time is right what is suppose to happen will happen. there are benefits in waiting. the right fit will last forever, temporary lonliness is worth it.

Honestly

I have an honest qustion. It's not loaded or forced just honest. I am a 5'10 woman who grew up with a dad that's well over six feet. I've never been attracted to men that were shorter than me or my same height, I dated a guy who was "6 ft" (yea right more like 5'11) and it was always something I was catious and worried about. I decided the next guy I met I wouldn't let that happen. Why do men assume that they are the problem? I recognize that this is a "hangup" and totally my fault. I know that it shouldn't matter, but it does. I try to give shorter guys a chance, but everytime it ends up weirding me out. Not because I think their less manly or any of that b.s. Because I'm not confident enough in my self to put on heels and tower over a man. Because I would rather hide behind a man, than lead him. Because I want to be with someone who makes me seem average instead of overweight and too tall. I know that I'm really not even "overweight" anymore and really I'm not that tall, but after my last relationship and some of the things he said, I can't seem to shake that feeling. I don't think it's bad to know what you want. Why can't life, be more of a compromise. I know that I have some hangups I need to work through, but there are plenty of people who have bigger hangups than me who are living some version of someone's dream.

I finally look in the mirror and see a normal looking person. I finally know myself well enough to love even the biggest flaws I have, but I am begining to think that this w particular issue will be one of those things I just can't shake. It's okay for guys to prefer blondes or petite girls. Why isn't it ok for me to prefer a man who I can toss me around a little when it matters.

haven't met you yet...

I love when I don't have to write a post, because the songs already been written for me. Thanks Michael Buble...



I'm Not Surprised
Not Everything Lasts
I've Broken My Heart So Many Times,
I Stop Keeping Track.
Talk Myself In
I Talk Myself Out
I Get All Worked Up
And Then I Let Myself Down.

I Tried So Very Hard Not To Loose It
I Came Up With A Million Excuses
I Thought I Thought Of Every Possibility

And I Know Someday That It'll All Turn Out
You'll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out
And I Promise You Kid That I'll Get So Much More Than I Get
I Just Haven't Met You Yet

Mmmmm ....

I Might Have To Wait
I'll Never Give Up
I Guess It's Half Timing
And The Other Half's Luck
Wherever You Are
Whenever It's Right
You Come Out Of Nowhere And Into My Life

And I Know That We Can Be So Amazing
And Baby Your Love Is Gonna Change Me
And Now I Can See Every Possibility

Mmmmm ......

And Somehow I Know That It Will All Turn Out
And You'll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out
And I Promise You Kid I'll Get So Much More Than I Get
I Just Haven't Met You Yet

They Say All's Fair
And In Love And War
But I Won't Need To Fight It
We'll Get It Right
And We'll Be United

And I Know That We Can Be So Amazing
And Being In Your Life Is Gonna Change Me
And Now I Can See Every Single Possibility

Mmmm .....

And Someday I Know It'll All Turn Out
And I'll Work To Work It Out
Promise You Kid I'll Give More Than I Get
Than I Get Than I Get Than I Get

Oh You Know It'll All Turn Out
And You'll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out
And I Promise You Kid To Give So Much More Than I Get
Yeah I Just Haven't Met You Yet

I Just Haven't Met You Yet
Oh Promise You Kid
To Give So Much More Than I Get

I Said Love Love Love Love Love Love Love .....
I Just Haven't Met You Yet
Love Love Love .....
I just haven't met you yet.

Nights I'll never remember, with the people I'll never forget

Who let's this happen. I don't know how everything got into the state it is in right now...but I feel as if though I'm okay with letting it happen...I'll finish the story later.

If you can catch me you can have me...

Just when you think you have your life lined out you realize you are completely wrong! Talking to KT one day I said,"I know what I'm looking for in a man"...I have now official dated "those men" and they have all been a bust. I went on a late night date with a really nice guy on Friday night...but as usual it didn't go as planned. Sitting talking to him he was funny and nice and confident and attractive and goal oriented and did I mention attractive...however when we stood up and walked side by side I realized that he was really (mostly) the same height as me. he was rail thin (and being that I am built like a "sturdy old oak" that will not work). he had an odd profile... To top it all off his last name is hilarious. Not that I'm a planner, but a funny last name is not in my cards. Why can't he be normal, well rounded man of a normal height...I told KT that I wasn't sure he was my type and she told me that she didn't think he fit into my list. This list was born at a happy hour and until now resided only on a cocktail napkin:

My man must :

-have a neck, teeth, ankles, chin
-have played and still plays manly sports
-be mildly metro, clean, and well groomed
-be good with his hands (let that mean what you want it to)
-like rap and country equally
-respect the greatness that is an intelligent woman
-has his own likeable friends and likes my own
-race should be a non issue
-be able to move his body like a cyclone
-understand and appreciate the value of jumping on your bed
-be capable of making good decisions
-appreciate homemaking and all that that entails
-know what fine jewlery looks like
-appreciate a lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets
-love lakes, boats and all things relaxing
-love his family, even the crazies that are in it
-have attractive siblings so they look good in my wedding
-have an amazing mom (just like me)
-understand that if I'm wearing black so are you and if I'm wearing brown so are you
-appreciate my tall sexy genes and have plans to procreate with me
-think I'm pretty much PERFECTS(insert Tiara above all, give me a breaky I was saucy)
-love the comfort and safety fo mongamy
-appreciate consistency
-understand the value of getting tipsy, even on a wednesday night
-Have or understand the powers of ADHD
-sparkly personality reqired
-thinks he's a model (not a real model, the kind of model that is mostly a schmuck)
-is under no circumstances under 5'10.
-cannot wish his life away wishing he'd made different choices.
-like fising, hunting and other manly hobbies
-tell stories that make me laugh so hard I hurt.
-a solid sense of direction and how all things are connected
-must love and appreciate home cooked meals
-Mr. Fix-it wanted!
-love family functions and willing to attend hem
-be able to makes choices and moves without directions
-must have an even temper ( or a firey side he can control)
-smart underwear choices required
-personal sense of style
-have his own understanding of what he wants from a partner
-must have a career path not a job
-likes to get dirty (fill in your own information)
-love to build things with his own hands
-must like to dance...not be particularlly good at it, but like it
-be able to give a comfortable hi-5




looking at this list now it seems a little crazy...I don't even think I'll find some of those things in a person...but I guess only time will tell...

In comes Fall

I cannot believe it's fall, I literally feel like I just moved to KC and got settled in. Where the heck did summer go...o I know I spent it inside doing a job that was less than stellar! Not anymore though

I know, I know, but now what.

Antoher misadventure into my life. I opened the fridge this morning to find bare bones, so I realized that I would need to make a trip to our local super market. What I thought would be an easy stress free trip turned into me telling my roomate about my BIG secret(my impulsive decision to dive into the world of online dating) ...without really telling her, listening to my roomate tell me about her...interesting love story, and wishing I could just call someone to save me from the misery...o well another day another disaster...or something like that.

bring on another same as the other.

I am exhausted. My feet hurt, my life hurts, and my heart hurts. I am so ready for this weekend to be over. I am so ready to sleep, but I can't sit still. I can feel the energy of my life waiting to start coursing through my veins! I am going to give this week 100%, but sometimes it feels like the air is t0o thin.

I am what you read between the lines...

A lot of the problem that I'm having right now honestly come from being stuck in a strange type of limbo. Not the limbo I constantly find myself complaining about walking the line between college and the real world, but the limbo between the person I am and the person other people think I am. When I get up in the morning I try very hard to look like a girl (which is not as difficult as it is for Caster Semenya, but is still difficult for me), to make sure that I look like a respectable member of society. I think sometimes people think that this put together image I work so hard to present is an actual representation of who I am, but when I get home at the end of the day I just want to read a book, watch the NASA channel, research american history, and listen to jazz music. I have never in my life denied being a nerd (even when my sister yells it at me, I turn up the coltrane and blare her out) however I don't see the problem wih that. The problem I do see is that for some reason the tooly, meatheady, empty men who have the balls to ask me out have no interest in watching NASA with my on a Friday night...who the hell am I kidding no one wants to do those things. To find a man who likes to do the same things that I like to do, I would need to date a weird 70 year old geology professor. I hate to say it, but I don't care. I would rather watch a NASA repair mission and relax then fill the air with nonsense about someone's life that I don't actually care about. I am walking a fine line between nerdom and following the the norm, but the norm isn't where I'm comfortable...so I'll take my books and jazz music and wait for the rest of the world to understand.

If you're stuck anywhere it's only with yourself...

It's Friday night and instead of exploring the world that is Kansas City I am laying at home in a Kindergarten Coma watching everything I don't want my life to become enfold before me.
A combination of the Emmy's and my growing obsession with all things Kennedy only appropriate that I watched Grey Garden's. They seemed so fabulous and over the top on the outside, but once you looked a little deeper you realize how tormented they were. I have this serious desire to live an excentric lifestyle, but what I think I want may lead to me ending up like "Little Eddie".
I just had a conversation with KT telling her that I thought I knew what I wanted for my life, I knew where I wanted to go and I (thought) I knew what I needed to do to get there. I think that telling someone that you know what you want is a sure fire way for you to realize that you are an idiot. I have watched the people in my life couple and pair off, I have watched true love (which from my experience is a sham) be created, and I have watched people's identities change, how can you say you know what you want when in all reality everyone is constantly changing...I think that instead of saying I know the type of person that I want to be with I should say I know what I don't want. I know what things won't work for me, I know what things make me uncomfortable, and I know the types of things that make me want to pack up and move to antartica. I pack my stuff at the thought of being trapped, I pack my stuff over the thought of being alone, but more than anything I pack my stuff over the thought that I could end up trapped and alone, by shutting the world out.
Despite, the out word image I've worked on putting together over the last four years, I am absolutely not a social butterfly. I don't love the company of other people. I don't enjoy akward silence. I don't enjoy making conversation I have no interest in. But if I don't start doing things that take me out of my comfort zone. I'm going to be alone, in my comfort zone...which is not exactly what I had in mind for my life.

From here to nowhere...

I am just now begining to realize how interesting life becomes. As I sit at home tonight after turning down a date, as well as a baseball game, watching a show I can't stand...This is exactly what I had in mind for life in the city. I am starting to realize that no matter how much you visualize things, and no matter what you "see" for your life what you think and what you want doesn't matter as much as you would like for it to. I am literally living the dream that I always wanted to live, but it's not as dreamy as I thought it would be. I hadn't realized that this transition would be a series of ups and downs so dramatic that I am motion sick all the time.
My life is absolutley crazy, I thought that I wanted to date and meet people. I thought I wanted to hang out with groups of people and explore the social world. I'm really not sure that's what I want. I want to crawl into a whole and hide. I need to experience everything. I need to go on so that I don't ever have regrets about the life I could have, and should have lived. But no matter how much I know that I need to do that I just want to hide!
How is it possible that when you think, you're probably positive of what you want, you realize you had no idea all along. Everyone else's life is happening around me, and I don't really want their lives. But, the question I have is...If the life I always wanted isn't what I thought it was going to be then what am I waiting for now? If everything I thought I was looking forward to turned out to be a disaster where do I go?

loose lips sink (friend)ships: a lesson in watching and waiting

New town, new situations and new confussions.Here I am living with one of my crazy friends from college in a new town, ready to find my way and start this new 20something chapter of my life. I thought that this relocation would be a fresh start, but instead I am realizing that life and sex in the city isn't everything I thought it would be. With all of the options in this city and the craziness that comes with it you wouldn't think I'd have time to be lonely. I would generally consider myself a laid back, slightly outrageous, free spirit, who is easier to get along with than most people. How is it possible that I have moved to a city full of people to find myself more alone than ever. I didn't realize that it was going to be so difficult to meet people, however I also didn't take into account how strange a majority of the people in this city are.

Exhibit A: Last thursday after a day full of: a very thoughful 1st grader sneezing all over my desk ( ahhh, I do love teaching 1st grade), getting my dress caught in my car door, and asking my awesome neighbors to please move their sacks of dirty diapers and assorted goodness out of the stairwell, I decided to go out. I wasn't looking for anything crazy, the usual night at my favorite hot spot (I don't really know how hot it is since most nights I spend the night shooing aways 50 year old men, but regardless). Trying to stay true to my new goal of appearing more city chic than farmtwon exhausted, I got dressed in my best interpretation of fashion forward. I was feeling pretty good about myself and ready for just enough fun to hold me over 'til the weekend what I found was...less than stellar. I spent the first hour and a half listening to my friend (Hopefully Unrealistic) tell me all about her new love interest, never mind that he's her supervisor at work, nevermind that she wasn't interested in him until he professed his undying love for her, nevermind that he APOLOGIZES FOR EVERYTHING AND CALLS 3 TIMES WHILE YOU'Re IN THE SHOWER! As usual I listened and tried to be as supportive as possible, while thinking to myself about the plethora of red flags I would be throwing at her if I were a ref. I spent the rest night convincing a very polite, friendly, successful man that he wanted nothing to do with me. Why would I turn away such a "catch" you ask, perhaps it would have something to do with him being 5'5! For some people this might work, but for this realistically built 5'10 woman that will not work. I realized he was not my soulmate when I found myself bending over (in a similar position I use to speak to my 1st graders) to speak to him. After enough drinks for me to realize this night was headed nowhere good soon, I clicked my way home and tucked my self in alone once again...


KC strikes again. maybe next time someone of a normal height will seek me out. Maybe next time I'll work up the energy to tell HU that she is settling! Maybe next time I'll shut my big fat mouth and mind my own business and just dance with whoever approaches me (even if he does appear to be a card carrying member of the lollypop guild). I know there's a lesson to be learned in all of this and maybe eventually I'll figure it out...give me a little time I know I'll get it.