Back Here Baby...

I missed you. My safe place to collect and contemplate and reflect. To hang out my wash and spend the time beating the truth out of it. I feel the way you feel when you see a friend who you haven't spoken to in a while. There is much to say and where to start? Let's just start with today's thoughts. I have lost my mind...my sense of purpose, and if we are being honest a lot of my want. You know, that want you wake up with the day you enter the world. The want to grow and change and seek out a life. Mine appears to be broken...and if not broken at least badly damaged. And now I have began the process to heal my want, to heal something buried so deep inside of my I don't honestly know where to find it. So today, I'm coming back here, the way you come back to your parents home, or a well worn book or the letters you carved into a tree when you were young and full of...lust, that you confused for love I think. I have spent the last few years consuming content...from Pinterest, Twitter, Houzz, Realtor.com, Facebook and Instagram.And I am fuller, and emptier than ever before. I've contributed to these platforms...but I have definitely not created. Not the way I feel my fingers ache to create. I repeat the stories of my day to myself out loud and I realize that the thing that is missing is my safe place to record those thoughts. We will work through this, we will figure this out. We will work through the thoughts and heaviness that rests here. Hopefully, I have grown in the last 8 years, but I'd bet anything...I'm still the same. A beautiful disaster.

Typical

Really. Really. I spent all this time filling my life with people. Helping them. Doing them favors. Being there for them when they needed me most and now, when my life and my world should be calming down they start spinning up drama. I've spent the last few months happy content full of love. But now I am irritated. I support you're whenever you need support. Give you pep talks when life gets hard. Tell you it will all be ok when we honestly aren't sure that it will. Friendship is a series of conversations. If you don't like it that's fine. Stop talking. I'm done. No more. You want an opinion. Call someone else. You want advice. Call someone else. You want all of that, go to someone else. Awesome that is what I worked for the last 6 years trying to help people and connect. All that so they could ask a question and I could smile and nod. I NEVER asked that from my friends. I expected honesty and I took it. And now they can't take it. My skin is thicker. And that is fine. Here we go lips zipped, it doesn't even matter. Single or married I've always only wanted a safe circle to protect me, talk to and share with.

Sometimes I Get Mad

Sometimes I get mad...not like normal mad. Like furious raging angry and fury mad. The kind of mad where someone's breathing could make me want to make it stop. Blending this washing rage and fury with the fact that I am suppose to love someone and want to be around them all of the time is difficult. I would love to be a typical loving affectionate SO, but I am not. Instead I am torn between pouring out emphatic adoration and pouring out overwhelming rage. Learning to balance the two is what a relationship is built on...however how do your train yourself to bite your tongue and still be honest with your feelings. At what point do you zip your lip, swallow your feeling and just move on. Life doesn't have to be full of honest, true feelings. I have always wanted a life that does, but maybe this is not what is best for others. It seems like my type of comfort, honest comfort forces others to go mad. And the question becomes, what kind of mad do you let persevere.

Life Got Twist Turned Upside Down

My life amazes me...one minute you are braving the world of online dating. Next thing you know you're planning a wedding. That's right. Planning a wedding! Who knows how igot here, but there is one thing for sure. After spending many Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and maybe a few Subdays kissing frogs I've never thought I would be so happy to end my night next to a sweaty redhead. I've found home.

He is it

I have met the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with. He is perfect and wonderful and it is game over.

Unbelivable...

Who would have known that a simple walk in the park would change my life. BV and I went on a walk out at the most beautiful place on Earth. As I looked at the watering hole and listened to the wind in the trees BV stopped talking. I looked behind me and there he was...on one knee...asking ME to be his wife. I've never been happier and I can't imagine not having him in my life everyday for the rest of it. Looks like this girl is going to need a new blog title...

Games of All Sorts

New date: New date. I had solemnly sworn of dating. I was dead set on avoiding dates. Men seem to be strange and all and all not the kind of people I am looking for. But for some unknown reason last night I made and exception. Last night I went on a date with a tall 30 something fellow, we had messaged for weeks, and text for weeks, and I had almost let this one end in frustration and irritation, but something. Boredom Maybe. Made me set a date. I met him at the Legends, we went to Dave and Busters. I typically hate games and such, but something about this ginger character made me feel like I needed to have fun. I blame it on the idea that he is a PE teacher, and he was probably judging me on my every move...in which case this might be our last date. We ended the night with no kiss, just a weird side hug. I felt a good vibe, but I guess I was wrong...with men you never never know.