If you're stuck anywhere it's only with yourself...

It's Friday night and instead of exploring the world that is Kansas City I am laying at home in a Kindergarten Coma watching everything I don't want my life to become enfold before me.
A combination of the Emmy's and my growing obsession with all things Kennedy only appropriate that I watched Grey Garden's. They seemed so fabulous and over the top on the outside, but once you looked a little deeper you realize how tormented they were. I have this serious desire to live an excentric lifestyle, but what I think I want may lead to me ending up like "Little Eddie".
I just had a conversation with KT telling her that I thought I knew what I wanted for my life, I knew where I wanted to go and I (thought) I knew what I needed to do to get there. I think that telling someone that you know what you want is a sure fire way for you to realize that you are an idiot. I have watched the people in my life couple and pair off, I have watched true love (which from my experience is a sham) be created, and I have watched people's identities change, how can you say you know what you want when in all reality everyone is constantly changing...I think that instead of saying I know the type of person that I want to be with I should say I know what I don't want. I know what things won't work for me, I know what things make me uncomfortable, and I know the types of things that make me want to pack up and move to antartica. I pack my stuff at the thought of being trapped, I pack my stuff over the thought of being alone, but more than anything I pack my stuff over the thought that I could end up trapped and alone, by shutting the world out.
Despite, the out word image I've worked on putting together over the last four years, I am absolutely not a social butterfly. I don't love the company of other people. I don't enjoy akward silence. I don't enjoy making conversation I have no interest in. But if I don't start doing things that take me out of my comfort zone. I'm going to be alone, in my comfort zone...which is not exactly what I had in mind for my life.