In comes Fall

I cannot believe it's fall, I literally feel like I just moved to KC and got settled in. Where the heck did summer go...o I know I spent it inside doing a job that was less than stellar! Not anymore though

I know, I know, but now what.

Antoher misadventure into my life. I opened the fridge this morning to find bare bones, so I realized that I would need to make a trip to our local super market. What I thought would be an easy stress free trip turned into me telling my roomate about my BIG secret(my impulsive decision to dive into the world of online dating) ...without really telling her, listening to my roomate tell me about her...interesting love story, and wishing I could just call someone to save me from the misery...o well another day another disaster...or something like that.

bring on another same as the other.

I am exhausted. My feet hurt, my life hurts, and my heart hurts. I am so ready for this weekend to be over. I am so ready to sleep, but I can't sit still. I can feel the energy of my life waiting to start coursing through my veins! I am going to give this week 100%, but sometimes it feels like the air is t0o thin.

I am what you read between the lines...

A lot of the problem that I'm having right now honestly come from being stuck in a strange type of limbo. Not the limbo I constantly find myself complaining about walking the line between college and the real world, but the limbo between the person I am and the person other people think I am. When I get up in the morning I try very hard to look like a girl (which is not as difficult as it is for Caster Semenya, but is still difficult for me), to make sure that I look like a respectable member of society. I think sometimes people think that this put together image I work so hard to present is an actual representation of who I am, but when I get home at the end of the day I just want to read a book, watch the NASA channel, research american history, and listen to jazz music. I have never in my life denied being a nerd (even when my sister yells it at me, I turn up the coltrane and blare her out) however I don't see the problem wih that. The problem I do see is that for some reason the tooly, meatheady, empty men who have the balls to ask me out have no interest in watching NASA with my on a Friday night...who the hell am I kidding no one wants to do those things. To find a man who likes to do the same things that I like to do, I would need to date a weird 70 year old geology professor. I hate to say it, but I don't care. I would rather watch a NASA repair mission and relax then fill the air with nonsense about someone's life that I don't actually care about. I am walking a fine line between nerdom and following the the norm, but the norm isn't where I'm comfortable...so I'll take my books and jazz music and wait for the rest of the world to understand.

If you're stuck anywhere it's only with yourself...

It's Friday night and instead of exploring the world that is Kansas City I am laying at home in a Kindergarten Coma watching everything I don't want my life to become enfold before me.
A combination of the Emmy's and my growing obsession with all things Kennedy only appropriate that I watched Grey Garden's. They seemed so fabulous and over the top on the outside, but once you looked a little deeper you realize how tormented they were. I have this serious desire to live an excentric lifestyle, but what I think I want may lead to me ending up like "Little Eddie".
I just had a conversation with KT telling her that I thought I knew what I wanted for my life, I knew where I wanted to go and I (thought) I knew what I needed to do to get there. I think that telling someone that you know what you want is a sure fire way for you to realize that you are an idiot. I have watched the people in my life couple and pair off, I have watched true love (which from my experience is a sham) be created, and I have watched people's identities change, how can you say you know what you want when in all reality everyone is constantly changing...I think that instead of saying I know the type of person that I want to be with I should say I know what I don't want. I know what things won't work for me, I know what things make me uncomfortable, and I know the types of things that make me want to pack up and move to antartica. I pack my stuff at the thought of being trapped, I pack my stuff over the thought of being alone, but more than anything I pack my stuff over the thought that I could end up trapped and alone, by shutting the world out.
Despite, the out word image I've worked on putting together over the last four years, I am absolutely not a social butterfly. I don't love the company of other people. I don't enjoy akward silence. I don't enjoy making conversation I have no interest in. But if I don't start doing things that take me out of my comfort zone. I'm going to be alone, in my comfort zone...which is not exactly what I had in mind for my life.

From here to nowhere...

I am just now begining to realize how interesting life becomes. As I sit at home tonight after turning down a date, as well as a baseball game, watching a show I can't stand...This is exactly what I had in mind for life in the city. I am starting to realize that no matter how much you visualize things, and no matter what you "see" for your life what you think and what you want doesn't matter as much as you would like for it to. I am literally living the dream that I always wanted to live, but it's not as dreamy as I thought it would be. I hadn't realized that this transition would be a series of ups and downs so dramatic that I am motion sick all the time.
My life is absolutley crazy, I thought that I wanted to date and meet people. I thought I wanted to hang out with groups of people and explore the social world. I'm really not sure that's what I want. I want to crawl into a whole and hide. I need to experience everything. I need to go on so that I don't ever have regrets about the life I could have, and should have lived. But no matter how much I know that I need to do that I just want to hide!
How is it possible that when you think, you're probably positive of what you want, you realize you had no idea all along. Everyone else's life is happening around me, and I don't really want their lives. But, the question I have is...If the life I always wanted isn't what I thought it was going to be then what am I waiting for now? If everything I thought I was looking forward to turned out to be a disaster where do I go?

loose lips sink (friend)ships: a lesson in watching and waiting

New town, new situations and new confussions.Here I am living with one of my crazy friends from college in a new town, ready to find my way and start this new 20something chapter of my life. I thought that this relocation would be a fresh start, but instead I am realizing that life and sex in the city isn't everything I thought it would be. With all of the options in this city and the craziness that comes with it you wouldn't think I'd have time to be lonely. I would generally consider myself a laid back, slightly outrageous, free spirit, who is easier to get along with than most people. How is it possible that I have moved to a city full of people to find myself more alone than ever. I didn't realize that it was going to be so difficult to meet people, however I also didn't take into account how strange a majority of the people in this city are.

Exhibit A: Last thursday after a day full of: a very thoughful 1st grader sneezing all over my desk ( ahhh, I do love teaching 1st grade), getting my dress caught in my car door, and asking my awesome neighbors to please move their sacks of dirty diapers and assorted goodness out of the stairwell, I decided to go out. I wasn't looking for anything crazy, the usual night at my favorite hot spot (I don't really know how hot it is since most nights I spend the night shooing aways 50 year old men, but regardless). Trying to stay true to my new goal of appearing more city chic than farmtwon exhausted, I got dressed in my best interpretation of fashion forward. I was feeling pretty good about myself and ready for just enough fun to hold me over 'til the weekend what I found was...less than stellar. I spent the first hour and a half listening to my friend (Hopefully Unrealistic) tell me all about her new love interest, never mind that he's her supervisor at work, nevermind that she wasn't interested in him until he professed his undying love for her, nevermind that he APOLOGIZES FOR EVERYTHING AND CALLS 3 TIMES WHILE YOU'Re IN THE SHOWER! As usual I listened and tried to be as supportive as possible, while thinking to myself about the plethora of red flags I would be throwing at her if I were a ref. I spent the rest night convincing a very polite, friendly, successful man that he wanted nothing to do with me. Why would I turn away such a "catch" you ask, perhaps it would have something to do with him being 5'5! For some people this might work, but for this realistically built 5'10 woman that will not work. I realized he was not my soulmate when I found myself bending over (in a similar position I use to speak to my 1st graders) to speak to him. After enough drinks for me to realize this night was headed nowhere good soon, I clicked my way home and tucked my self in alone once again...


KC strikes again. maybe next time someone of a normal height will seek me out. Maybe next time I'll work up the energy to tell HU that she is settling! Maybe next time I'll shut my big fat mouth and mind my own business and just dance with whoever approaches me (even if he does appear to be a card carrying member of the lollypop guild). I know there's a lesson to be learned in all of this and maybe eventually I'll figure it out...give me a little time I know I'll get it.