An now a word from Ludacris

What a mess. I am no longer in denial. I am a self saboteur...I act shocked when things fall apart, however I am at the route of destroying them. I had a NIGHTMARE last night that made me realize just how crazy I am. I am done destroying the things I love. I am done destroying prospects in my life and I am done blowing things out of proportion. I am single by my own doing. I remain single by my own...questionable decisions. Cleaning it up appears to be the only option...Wish me luck!

It's official I reside in an old gum tree...

Never in my life have a claimed to be "sane". In fact my life can be best summarized by that Marylin Monroe quote....you know the one. It's not that I want to live my life on my own terms, but I well I guess I do...After months of rotating back and forth between the world of dating and the world of telling people to leave me alone I had decided to go on several dates. I know this is gong to come as a shock, but things are just as i remember them. Am I the only one who is amazed, by the ridiculous of men. I understand being assertive and masculine. In fact, I find nothing more attractive than a man who knows what he want and knows how to show me, but I find nothing less attractive than a man how is controlling and condescending. When did date bashing become an attractive dating quality? Looks like I will continue on the same path...until I find someone who doesn't make me want bash them back.

And your future unfolds

Today is a new day. All of the stories of the past are done. The worst lies you tell are the lies that you tell to yourself. Over the last couple of months I've been on a journey to build my foundation. However, I think that I may have had a couple things wrong. I found a job I liked that made me happy, house that will work for now, and an assortment of things that make me happy. I thought that all that I was left was to find a man who fit into the puzzle. Wrong. It takes more than a month or two of a trial experience to figure yourself. I need to focus on making me happy. Filling my life with perfection and achieving milestones all on my own. I can start my job all on my own. I can buy a house all on my own, I don't need anyone else. New goals and new mile markers.

Objective 1: Lose 25 lbs by August 4th. Starting a my new job with a new body that was trimmed and shaped would give me the chance to start as a whole new person. Not to help someone else or make someone else happy, but because I deserve to have a smoking body for Jena's wedding and my new life.

Objective 2: Calm my personality. t times I come across loud and abrasive, which is not the personality that I have all the time. Getting too loud send the wrong signal. I am not calming my spirit for someone else I am calming it because it represents me better.

Objective 3: Organize information. Whether it be personal or professional. Organizing my information will give me more control.

Objective 4: STOP ANALYZING! Enjoy life as it is, stop trying to focus on the why.

Objective 5: Let go of your cell phone! My cell phone isn't nearly as important as I act like it is. I don't have to be connected to everyone and everything all the time. Learn to be free and happy alone.

Alright, it is time to love my life and enjoy growing. I can't stress out about time passing and "growing up". It's going to happen whether I freak out or not, so I need to just learn to enjoy life.

When they show themselves to you look at what they are showing you...

I've spent too much time giving people the benefit of the doubt. In all reality your gut is always right and the feeling of throwing a grenade out before it blows up in your face is very, very, very refreshing. If they don't do what they say they will cut them loose. If they stumble it is not my job to make excuses for them. I don't even allow excuses for myself. Why should I allow excuses for someone else? If you feel awkward. Pressured or stressed out it is because you have given someone else the control. The simple knowledge that you are in control of your attitude and your outlook gives you all of the power you need to release your stress.

D-O-N-E

That's it. I'm done. The more time I spend with the general population the more willing I am to make the statement that I am no longer a relationship girl. i was always the girl who rocked a boyfriend for the "long term", but ever since my lest relationcrazy I can't seem to make a come back. And to top it all off I'm not sure how I feel about it. I know that relationships are about give and take, but I honestly am not in the mood to give or take. I am in the mood to be stubborn. I'm in the mood to be comfortable and right now I am only comfortable with myself. I can't seem to get past the awkward "gamey" bullshit of any relationship (male or female) in my life. I don't really want to be alone. I cant to be able to be myself and surround myself with people who like that about me. I spend time right now with C and Char they've been my friends (and not my friends) for long enough that they know me, they get how I work and they don't bull shit me. At the risk of bringing my mother to tears...for the second time tonight...I've had it. I'm fed up. I'm taking care of me and my friends and if someone stumbles onto my path who can keep up I'll pay attention to them. Otherwise consider me the Lone Ranger.

Step by step, inch by inch

So my roommate and I did our weekly trip to Wal*Mart and dinner. I had several realizations. I always thought of myself as a generally kind person...easy going. Not much ruffles my feathers, but I've started to realize in the last couple of weeks that that does not really describe me as well as I had always thought it did. I'm territorial, aggressive, and when you say the wrong things to me...I turn into something that some people might call...a witch. I am so irritated with the male race. They are egotistical, self involved, cocky (not confident), stubborn, and less than spectacular. Every time you start to think a guy is spectacular and breathtaking he does something stupid to make you irritated and exhausted by them. The other day a guy had a conversation with me that was TOTALLY out of line. He then proceeded to get into an argument with my roommate about whether or not I was out of line (a bitch). I can not believe that I care what some man thinks about me. So what, maybe I am a bitch, maybe people just don't like to hear the truth. I can think of a lot of people who don't want to hear the truth...and telling the truth is something that I am very very fond of. I'll keep irritating people, with the truth...you're welcome.

All the boys say hey baby hey baby hey...

I went out in all of my glory this weekend with my childhood partner in crime and her sister. I had a spectacular weekend and wandered the streets of the opposite side of the state. I'm not going to lie it was quite interesting. As I traipsed around the streets of STL in mismatched clothes (the results of a putt putt pub crawl) I realized that the city was a character all its own. Every city is a character all its own. Every place has a life all it's own. I think that I might be in the mood to try something new, I'm not sure what, but the scenery may be changing for this seed...

Easy come, not so easy go

This week has been sheer craziness. It was suppose to be my first week as a grade A teacher, instead there was a blizzard...unlike anything seen in years previous. Needless to say no school this entire week. What is a girl to do with a large amount of free time and nowhere to be...Now I have the cleanest apartment in the KC area, and a couple of terrible, terrible, terrible dates to go with it. Friday I went on a date that left me considering a trip to the ER. How did dinner and drinks turn into a table full of awkward and a full body rash...it remains a mystery. My date couldn't stop asking me about the man and women at the table next to me and what she saw in him. I don't know. Hell I don't know why people date, it's a mystery. As the date got increasingly worse I realized that my body had broken into a FULL BODY RASH! I tried my best to hold it together for the end of the date, but it was too late, my freak flag was flying. As he walked me to my car and opened my door he kissed me on the freaking face. It was awkward on several levels.
Saturday night I went out to celebrate a sorority sisters birthday. A good time was had by all...even though we bailed on the party and ended up just doing our own thing.I went on another terrible, terrible date with a man who was nothing like me. Not my type. Couldn't imagine him fitting into my life picture. I have a old school, rural, farm life up bringing and there is a specific type of man who fits into the mold. Still waiting to meet him.