Deck the halls with crazy and nonsense...

I came home, like I do year about this time. Most things stay the same, some things lose their mystery and sparkle, but usually just the same junk from year to year. As usual I got into a huge fight with my mom about something that meant nothing. Which led to her getting into a fight with my dad, about nothing. As I sat in my sisters room irritated, milling around for a disregarded peanut butter cup or hershey's kiss I listened to my parents argue, and I listend to my dad talk my mom down from the bridge. He knew exactly what to say to make her take resonsibility for her crazy and calm down all at once. He spoke to her in a way that showed he cared for her, but didn't want to deal with her crazy for no reason. Instead of being angry I found myself crying..and sad. I realized that as I wandered around my sisters room scavanging for chocolatey victory (to no avail) My mom had someone who was able to calm her down and talk it out with her. I want that. Someday I will get into a fight. Get furious and there will be a nice young man ready to talk me right back into his arms...someday.

and remember...

today they said, "we don't say enough, being depressed is normal."

the saga continues...

we'll it's all over now. I graduated from college and here i am preparing to embark on the next page of my life. i don't know where i'm going. i don't exactly know where i am suppose to be, but i think that this adventure might turn into a beautiful thing. i have interview and subbing lined up. and fingers crossed something pans out. as i get ready to start life as an adult i am beginning to realize that the term "adult" means a lot of things. i need to make sure that i am making adult decisions. however, i sometimes wonder what that means. does that mean that i make decisions that i have seen adults make, or do i make decisions that the adults i want to become make. i want to be successful and put together, but what kind of work does it take to get there. more honestly, what type of mistakes does it take to get there? i really hope that i will be able to straighten this out and figure out where i'm headed. the question it leaves me asking is can you live the life you want to live, or will you always fall into the place people have made for you?

The simplest equation

I believe that there is a simple equation that can be used to evaluate the potential success of a relationship.

Physical Appearance + Personality + Baggage= Potential Success

The baggage aspect is frequently where the largest problem occurs. Everyone has and brings baggage with them the question is always...is it worth it.

Mystery Date

I've been doing some serious "dating" in the last 2 months and they have all ended disastrously. Whether it was the date that started with a man with one of those cell phone clips (so sexy), a man who might as well have been one of my ex boyfriends twins, or the boy who was "sure I wanted a SERIOUS relationship" they have all ended with me saying "I'll call you" and running as quick as my stilettos can carry me. At this point in my life there are only a couple of things that I am serious about. I seriously want a beautiful apartment, a meaningful job, and a group of friends who are more fun than anything else. To me serious means involved to the point of becoming a unit and that is not what I am looking for. I just want someone to have fun with me right now. I want someone who is a long for the ride and making the journey, but do I want to "go to Christmas", "have couple dates" and "check in" with someone right now? NO!

One of the respectable (but not so bright) men asked me what I was looking for? I gave him a filler answer (it's not you it's me...), but this is what I'm actually looking for: a life full of memories that make me laugh, I want to look at my time in KC and have stories that make me laugh until I cry. A reputation that proceeds me. A job that gives me meaning and purpose everyday and when it's not giving me purpose I want to figure it out, on my own without some lost soul of a man trying to guide me. I think that there are a large amount of people who are ready to settle. I am not. I really want to be happy forever. Not just happy for a couple of months and one big day. As I sat and listened to one of my closest friends, who got married just 6 months ago, explain her marriage without love, the feeling of being trapped and not being able to find her way out, I realized that this is my greatest fear.Don't get me wrongI love the idea of having a family, settling down, and giving a man and my children everything they could ask for, but I am not so focused on that that I am willing to throw away my on going happiness. Despite my impulse to be happy and settle down more than anything I want to be happy in the long run.

And after all of that I have come to the realization that despite the "loneliness" that comes with being single in the city, I would trade being single for being in a "love less marriage" and "the feeling of being trapped" any day.