Typical

Really. Really. I spent all this time filling my life with people. Helping them. Doing them favors. Being there for them when they needed me most and now, when my life and my world should be calming down they start spinning up drama. I've spent the last few months happy content full of love. But now I am irritated. I support you're whenever you need support. Give you pep talks when life gets hard. Tell you it will all be ok when we honestly aren't sure that it will. Friendship is a series of conversations. If you don't like it that's fine. Stop talking. I'm done. No more. You want an opinion. Call someone else. You want advice. Call someone else. You want all of that, go to someone else. Awesome that is what I worked for the last 6 years trying to help people and connect. All that so they could ask a question and I could smile and nod. I NEVER asked that from my friends. I expected honesty and I took it. And now they can't take it. My skin is thicker. And that is fine. Here we go lips zipped, it doesn't even matter. Single or married I've always only wanted a safe circle to protect me, talk to and share with.

Sometimes I Get Mad

Sometimes I get mad...not like normal mad. Like furious raging angry and fury mad. The kind of mad where someone's breathing could make me want to make it stop. Blending this washing rage and fury with the fact that I am suppose to love someone and want to be around them all of the time is difficult. I would love to be a typical loving affectionate SO, but I am not. Instead I am torn between pouring out emphatic adoration and pouring out overwhelming rage. Learning to balance the two is what a relationship is built on...however how do your train yourself to bite your tongue and still be honest with your feelings. At what point do you zip your lip, swallow your feeling and just move on. Life doesn't have to be full of honest, true feelings. I have always wanted a life that does, but maybe this is not what is best for others. It seems like my type of comfort, honest comfort forces others to go mad. And the question becomes, what kind of mad do you let persevere.

Life Got Twist Turned Upside Down

My life amazes me...one minute you are braving the world of online dating. Next thing you know you're planning a wedding. That's right. Planning a wedding! Who knows how igot here, but there is one thing for sure. After spending many Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and maybe a few Subdays kissing frogs I've never thought I would be so happy to end my night next to a sweaty redhead. I've found home.

He is it

I have met the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with. He is perfect and wonderful and it is game over.

Unbelivable...

Who would have known that a simple walk in the park would change my life. BV and I went on a walk out at the most beautiful place on Earth. As I looked at the watering hole and listened to the wind in the trees BV stopped talking. I looked behind me and there he was...on one knee...asking ME to be his wife. I've never been happier and I can't imagine not having him in my life everyday for the rest of it. Looks like this girl is going to need a new blog title...

Games of All Sorts

New date: New date. I had solemnly sworn of dating. I was dead set on avoiding dates. Men seem to be strange and all and all not the kind of people I am looking for. But for some unknown reason last night I made and exception. Last night I went on a date with a tall 30 something fellow, we had messaged for weeks, and text for weeks, and I had almost let this one end in frustration and irritation, but something. Boredom Maybe. Made me set a date. I met him at the Legends, we went to Dave and Busters. I typically hate games and such, but something about this ginger character made me feel like I needed to have fun. I blame it on the idea that he is a PE teacher, and he was probably judging me on my every move...in which case this might be our last date. We ended the night with no kiss, just a weird side hug. I felt a good vibe, but I guess I was wrong...with men you never never know.

In and out. As much as it shouldn't be love is a little like changing panties. How can you love someone and want someone to be your person, but still not want to take the jump to try it...seems like a disaster waiting to happen.

Slight of Hand of Slight of Heart...Either way it's a trick

Our heart wants to badly for us to be happy. Our heart knows what our goal is and our head will do crazy things to try to make our heart agree. But you know what...it's all a scam. As of today I am telling my head to stop effing with my heart...that is all...for now.

Rapunzel Rapunzel Let Down Your Long Hair

Like one million times before your heart is full of crazy and nonsense. If you could be like every other girl the world would be a wonderful place. You would find a man, he would fall in love with him. Because that's really what everyone wants and you would live happily ever after. However you are not looking for happily ever after. You cringe at RomComs and the thought of your own life becoming one is infuriating to you. As you hunt Pinterest and StumbleUpon things you collect quotes that inspire you, you realize that the words you are looking for don't seem to come up in quotes.

Where is the advice for the girl who doesn't feel it? Where are the quotes for the girl who can't imagine trusting anyone ever again? Where are quotes for the girls who says the things she's suppose to say but, doesn't know if she believes them? I want so bad to be over it. It's been 3 years, and it's time to move forward, but to what. Nothing is real, even things that seem real aren't. It's one series of trial by fire after another. I pour into ideas with the intention of making them real...but I never believe in them, I never put weight in them and my brain destroys ideas before they have the chance to fully develop. While Rapunzel sat in her tour waiting to be rescued from and evil queen; I instead I sit in a tower that I've built for myself. I am the only one who can let my hair down, so while I wait with my heair wrapped tight and no desire to undo anything. They (being the 1 million men who have tried to make it work) stand at the base shouting and throwing and it all seems like a trick...is it thought only time will tell...The true irony is that it doesn't matter who's at the base of the tower the only person who can save me is my self...