Refusing Happiness

If you refuse to let yourself be happy. Then you have no one to blame when you wake up 10 years from now alone and talking crazy to the Barista, because she's the only person still required to listen to your ramblings. Letting your guard down does not show weakness...it just shows that you have the forethought to take care of yourself.

Day 1 Victory - minor failure

This was my first complete day of working on myself. It was a pretty good feeling to give my self the time and attention that I needed to get centered. I ate the foods I was suppose to eat (minus 5 pretzel m&ms and 1/2 a bagel) not too bad for 1 day. I went on a walk with Barkley. We ended our night by running, not too bad. Today High carb...let's see if I can make it through a low carb day tomorrow.

QT Pie

In an attempt to get it together and turn things around when they seem turned, I am going to record somethings. I am starting what I will call the QT journey. I will be slim, fun and fit by August! I anticipate this being an exhausting, slightly stressful, journey but I'm ready for a challenge. Tomorrow I will start my day with a walk and some delicious healthy foods...let's give it a try!




onehundredeightyfive

Alice might have been onto something...

1.So Saturday a tornado hit in Joplin. Stories are coming out and as I watch the news it seems unreal. My heartaches because I know that Joplin could just as easily be M-Town or The Burg, or one of the many other cities that is part of my home. The thought of life changing like that in a minute really makes you stop to look at what life looks like, what you want, and what it will take to get you there.

2. So my arch-nemesis is living a happy life. In a happy little world, with a series of ideal, am I jealous, no. Am I irritated that I know about it and that it's part of my life, yep. It is days like today that I am irritated by social media. For the record I don't care, I don't want to care, and I want nothing to do with. For that reason I will be quiting Facebook. I will retreat to the world of Twitter where there is not "guilt friends" I will only allow those who I want to follow me to follow me.

3. Ranting done.

Life is like an pineappple upside down cake...

Well I am officially 24. I feel 24. Whatever that means. I've been talking to a guy for a couple of days. not the typical "Hey" "Hey" "Whatcha doin" "Nothing" text, but real conversations about life and expectations. The more we talked the more I realized that our understandings/expectations from the world are pretty similar. I then began to do what I do best, analyze. Over analyze. Reanalyze and pick. As usual it took little to no time to figure out what his thing was. He's me. He is precisely what I am. Confident, put together, driven, well mannered, easy to be around, blunt and hard to read. As I sat across from him I analyzed his every move. The way he ate. The way he held his silverware. How he reacted when I said controversial things...nothing. Not even phased. He smiled. Laughed a little, but not the response you would expect. His jokes were dry. Not like Steve Martin, but with a straight delivery that made you question whether it was a joke at all. He nodded as I told stories and I could see that in his head he had a dialog all his own going. He was mapping our future together. What would Sundays look like? Would I be a good cheerleader? Could he see me hanging out with his sister? Then I heard him move into phase two (of course in a way only one crazy can her another crazy speak) He started to share information. The things I would call selling points. He sold me on he ability to be competitive at his career. He sold me on his stability. He shared with me things he sees that he likes and things he sees that he doesn't. He began to tell me how he cares for people (ironically he's a small gift person, the most difficult kind of person for me to understand)I listened as he talked and what had began as a reserved dinner, with a guy I was indifferent about became a casual meal with someone easy to talk to to. The question then became. What exactly have I been looking for. As I first left our date and walked to my car I thought to myself. No fireworks. No spark. No tingly sensation in the pit of my stomach. Then I started to think about it. How many times has that feeling led to anything, but trouble...in case you're keeping track the count is up to 0 ( I really wish you could capitalize numbers!) I started to think about what mom says, about life being a slow burn. Not everything is a flash fire. Some things start out with a speck of curiosity and bloom from there.
As I drove home I mulled around his response to me and thought to myself about where I would rank this date. (Using a scale of 1-10, because despite what my male friends say 20 points is hard to work with...however in this case we're looking at a 9+8, which gives us 17, which means we're good to go.) I think I'm going to pump the breaks on writing this fellow off. Maybe I'll give him a chance to infuriate me...sounds like I'm turning over a new leaf already!

And then one day your life looks like a game of ...

It's opening day. Which technically is the first day of Spring in my book. However, it isn't really. It is cold and I feel like some sort of freak irritated with her ankles showing. I turn 24 this week. Not atypically old. A good middle of the road age really, but that does not mean that I want anything to do with the pomp and circumstance of this weekend. I honestly want to wear sweat pants and sleep till noon...yea. 24!

So it is written...

I've sub-come to trap that calls to almost all 20 something girls. I've given in to quoting Sex in the City and referencing it, as if it was my real life. I'm sure I'm not the first, and I obviously won't be the last. The question I have started to ask myself is, am I creating a self fulfilling prophecy.

Is thinking that you are going through a drought, because you're well...a hater, make you a hater. I feel like it might. How pathetic is it that I am giving myself pep talks before I go out in public.

Scenario 1: "Okay Ashley, You can do this!!!"

Scenario 2: "Who are you and why are you so bitter? For pete's sake go out tonight and try to be nice to someone"

Scenario 3: {No words, just a mental image of me laying in a pile of laundry in my closet, crying}

It's funny how talking to a newly single friend, about the single life, can help you get back in touch with your point of view. So here I go. I know that I've made this proclomation 1,000,000 times, but this time I mean it...kind of. I am going to be a nice girl. Not a pseudo nice girl, but a real genuine nice girl...or at least I'm going to be trying.

SNOW DAY!!!

The phone rang at a cozy 5 am in the morning. As I prepared myself to spit the most offensive word combinations I know I was cut off by the sweet sound of a robot. This is your child's school...calling to notify you that due to inclement weather there will NO SCHOOL today!!!
Don't get me wrong. I love teaching and I love my classroom, but there is nothing quite like a Snow Day. Something about an unexpected call giving you permission to wear your pjs all day, catch up on laundry and watch a guilty pleasure movie, today I opt for Lord of the Rings.

However, as I stay locked away inside trying to avoid frigid temperatures, knee high snow and the inevitable humiliating fall I feel more single than ever. I am like a modern day Rupunzel. Locked away in a tower (also known as a lovely one bedroom apartment home) trapped from the world ( I can blame that on the river). So I wait. For the snow to melt and evaporate. However I don't mind a 2 day work week culminating with the marriage of my best friend...Don't worry I'll have plenty to say about that later, but until then I'll sit back and enjoy the winter wonderland.

and as the credits role

I usually try not to make 2 posts in one day, but i think this is relevant. While talking to a stranger/idiot and interesting concept got thrown around. In casual conversation he mentioned that, "girls just expect too much." Usually I would call this ridiculous and disregard the bone head who said it, but he might be onto something.

Are we programmed to expect too much?

Has growing up in a time where event the hooker gets a happy ending jaded us?

As I go through the list of reasons some one is not worthy of talking/ looking in my general direction am I using the same forced logic that makes me think I need to look pretty when I clean the house or remove a rib to make my body visually proportionate...I just don't know.

Sitting on the dock of the bay, wasting time...

It is officially 2011. This is my year. I have spent the last 2 years regrowing, rethinking and reestablishing myself. I am like a high functioning 2.0 version of the woman i once was. I still occasionally over think and underplan, but I am getting where I need to be. Sitting in my 1 bedroom apartment surrounded by nothing, but the sound of my own voice and the sounds I decide to surround myself with, I realize that my life is what I make it. Why pressure yourself about things that really don't matter. I have spent the last year spooked. So worried that my life would pass me by. I have spent the last year mad and scared, two things that I am not sure got me where I needed to be I'm over that. I had a revelation today that has given me quite a bit of power. This is who I am.

I have spent the last 6 years battling with the person that I am. I am wired differently. when I look at situation I can decide my plan of action in almost 2 minutes. I know what I want to do and I usually know the steps to get me there. I am impulsive, more than most people are willing to admit. I take risks, I follow my head...unlike most. I follow my logic. I have a plan...for almost everything the chaos comes from figuring out how to best meet my goals. It is my impulsive personaliy that makes me successful and it is my overthinking that gets me there. Maybe this is the year to stop thinking and to start living...in the moment. Wrapped up in being myself and finding happiness. I am committed to wrapping myself in happiness and letting the cards fall where they may. Wish me luck!